Last month my friends decided I needed to have my nails done and chose a bold blue - It's funny the things that trigger major breakthroughs in life.
As far as I can remember, I hadn’t had any nail polish on my fingers in nearly 6 years. Why? Well, really, I never kept nail polish on long - it wasn’t worth it, it would chip immediately. And, that's true. Even with this blue, and my friends not letting me move for an hour (OK, maybe I’m exaggerating) I still had it messed up by the end of the day. But, was that a real reason? I’ve always enjoyed pedicures, but, had limited myself to one time a year. I said it was because I thought it was a waste of money, but, i think that is was more about who I was and how I saw myself. For years my money was not my own, and any time I spent on myself I felt a great deal of guilt, especially on something as frivolous as a pedicure! How could I even imagine spending money on a manicure that would be ruined within hours?
So, there I was with blue nails. And, this time there was an effect that I never noticed before. I felt entirely different. Suddenly, I was holding my hands differently. I was holding myself differently. I felt different. This ridiculous blue nail polish opened up things for me that I had not thought about before. Or, maybe I had suppressed.
That nail polish forced me out of my comfort zone and inspired revelations about myself. I found things that were buried so deeply I had no idea that they existed. And, I liked it. I liked wearing nail polish. Not for anyone else. Not to be someone I am not. Not to pretend to be someone else, or to fit some kind of societal norm or standard of beauty, or a dictate that women should wear nail polish to be more feminine or beautiful. I’ve been inspired to wear nail polish again since then because I liked the way it made me feel. Powerful. Sophisticated. Grown up. In control. Making a statement. I did it for myself. To feel tapped into something that I did not know was inside of me and to explore what that means.
The exploration is ongoing. The exploration pushed me out of my comfort zone again. And again. A couple weeks later I was visiting a friend who almost always wears heels. High heels. She is tall, she is gorgeous, and she is one of the strongest, most incredible humans I know. We were talking about my experience with nail polish and the conversation turned to shoes. She talked about how wearing them makes her feel powerful, strong, confident (all things that I know her to be). A few days later I ended up in my most ridiculous (and only) tall shoes. To decide if I could wear them to an event I put them on to wear around the house. The effect was immediate.
I dressed for the event not to impress anyone, but for myself. I put on the crazy tall shoes. I felt like a new person. I thought about the power my friend feels when she wears high heels that I never understood. When I put those shoes on I, literally & figuratively, stood up straighter, held my head higher, I liked how I felt. I don’t know if I can yet explain it. I do know that I doubt that I would have had the confidence to wear the shoes if the nail polish had not unlocked this part of me that had been dormant. That allowed me to be open to this side that I’m learning to embrace. That I’m increasing my self confidence around my physical appearance that I did not know I was neglecting. I hid behind my safe place of shyness as the event, but, I felt great. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to find my place in this new comfort in my body and confidence. It has manifested in more day to day clothing choices, too. Fewer layers. More nail polish (however short lived). Wanting to try new makeup products. Remembering - or trying to remember - to wear lip gloss more frequently. I don’t know where all of this is going, but, I’m excited to see where it will take me. What other parts of my life and identity will be affected by this new, increased confidence and sense of self.
And, it all started with blue nail polish.